Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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