Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
