Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
