I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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