so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
