I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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