I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I will pee on everything he values.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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