I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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