I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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