I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
