Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
