On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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