I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize