I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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