K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
