My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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