Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
