I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
