weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
