I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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