she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
