Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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