you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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