My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
