ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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