Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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