We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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