so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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