Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
