did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize