Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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