Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
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