Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
