Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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