You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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