her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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