dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
