Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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