please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
