my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
