well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
