24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
