hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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