ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
