I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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