The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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