my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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