Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
