Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
