i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
