You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
