The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
