Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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