Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
