ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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