Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
