I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Houston, we have a blender
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
