When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
