So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
